According to Dear Prudie: Ladies, stop letting yourself get raped.

Slate & Weekly’s Emily Yoffe is on hand to slut shame you about your date rape:

Q. Friend Has Revised One-Night Stand Story:A friend recently called me and said she had a one-night stand after drinking too much. She was beating herself up over drinking too much and going home with a guy she met at a bar. I reassured her that everyone makes mistakes and didn’t think much more of the account. However, since then, she has told many people that she was a victim of date-rape—that the guy must have put something into her drink . She spoke to a rape crisis line, and they said even if she was drunk, she couldn’t have given consent so she was a victim of rape. She now wants to press charges—she has the guy’s business card. I have seen her very intoxicated on previous occasions, to the point she doesn’t remember anything the next day. I’m not sure on what my response should be at this point. Pretend she never told me the original story?

A. Dear Prudie: Trying to ruin someone else’s life is a poor way to address one’s alcohol and self-control problems. Since her first version of the story is that she was ashamed of her behavior, and since you have seen her knee-walking drunk on other occasions, it sounds as if she wants to punish the guy at the bar for her own poor choices. Yes, I agree that men should not have sex with drunk women they don’t know. But I think cases like the one you are describing here—in the absence of any evidence she was drugged—where someone voluntarily goes home with a stranger in order to have a sexual encounter, makes it that much harder for women who are assaulted to bring charges. Talk to your friend. Tell her that she needs to think very long and hard about filing a criminal complaint against this guy if there’s any way her behavior could be construed to be consensual. Say you understand her shame, but you’re concerned about her drinking, and if she addresses that, she won’t find herself in such painful situations.

If you ever needed a classic example of ways rape culture is insidious, here you go. This has stopped being about the victim, who was date raped (and is dealing with the shame socialized in that situation) and become about how her actions in trying to get justice, trying to deal, confiding in her friend, become about the rapist. Suddenly, it’s the rapist’s reputation you have to think about, it’s their life that matters, their peace of mind. Add to that, the victim’s behavior is somehow a justifiable part of her possibly have being raped? As if her drinking is an automatic signal putting out “YES PLEASE RAPE ME!”.

Here’s the bottom line. No matter the situation, there is no justification or excuse for rape. A rape is a rape. There is no better or worse rape. There is rape. And it must be stopped or prosecuted when it happens. More than that, how about we teach DON’T RAPE instead of what this kind of advice puts out.

Slut shaming, victim blaming.

I see what you did there Prudie.




lock your car door, lock your legs and omg i hate this metaphor but let’s indulge (mostly copy/pasted off my tumblr)

anon asks:

we tell people to lock their cars so their cars don’t get stolen. why is this okay but not telling women to learn how to defend themselves?

becauseiamawoman responds:

Nobody is saying that women (and all people for that matter) shouldn’t be taught how to defend themselves. What people are saying that is people should be taught that rape is not acceptable and not to do it instead of preparing women who may be attacked.

A bit on rape culture:

If you leave your car unlocked, and your car gets stolen, the justice system will still acknowledge that as a crime.

If you drink/wear something considered ‘slutty’/know your rapist, and you are raped, the justice system will rip you apart.

The onus of “don’t get raped” has been placed on women (regardless of the fact that it’s more effective to teach “don’t rape”, regardless of the fact that it’s not only women who get raped).

That’s why I get annoyed at all these “tips” women are given on surviving. Even as I acknowledge that we live in the world of Schrodinger’s Rapist.

But really, this comparison of women getting raped because they didn’t prevent it and cars being left unlocked needs to stop.

Rihanna’s Man Down

Watch this vid.

Then go read this by the Crunk Feminist Collective, a sample:

Earlier this week, Rihanna released the video for her song “Man Down” in which her character struggles with the choice to kill her rapist. In Hip Hop and pop culture where rape is glorified and celebrated, this is a welcome intervention. The video reinforces a very basic point: the choice to be sexual and sensual on the dance floor should not be read in any way as consent for future sexual activity. For once, the critique of rape is unambiguous. It is wrong; it is not the woman’s fault; and it should be punished.

I Need To Stop Arguing With Brick Walls

Missing the point, one offensive sentence at a time, is Marcus:

It is unfortunate that you seek to vilify our cause. We have stated from the very beginning that our movement was inspired by SW Boston that we had the good pleasure to attend and participate in. At this stage we are only drumming up support for the cause and God knows we have a few wrinkles to iron out! That said, once everything is resolved and we have a concrete blueprint for the event we will officially submit a request of affiliation (as a satellite) with SW Toronto. The final decision is of course theirs. I would also like to point out that the movement started out as a grassroots, DIY-er and any attempt to excessively centralize and stifle similar endeavors is something that one would hope doesn’t happen. This is about free speech and peaceful protest. This is about making a point, taking a stance and doing it in a manner that is sexy while also being engaging and instructional.

We would love to have both of you join our cause and express solidarity, just as we have been expressing our solidarity with ALL the other satellites. When skepticism turns to negativity, it harbors the same detrimental emotions that lead to repression and a stifling of one’s rights and free speech. Negativity is what has resulted in the all the antiquated patriarchies in the world and the time is ripe to make a difference.

Tiara, bless, engages with the patience of a saint:

I have told you multiple times where your efforts have gone severely misguided, and how they can bring harm to Iranian women (and even the foreign women you want marching on your behalf). Until these issues are resolved, it is in everyone’s best interest to *not* participate in SW Tehran. You have shown no concern for other women, you are imposing alien ideology onto cultures that you don’t understand and don’t respect (as the burqini photos on your profile and your anti-burqa stance shows), and you have not given us any reason to even believe who you say you are.

It is two in the morning and I suddenly have a reservoir of patience, at least enough to type up a response:

Marcus, it’s amazing how much you keep missing the point and end up being exponentially offensive.

I have already pointed out that Slutwalk is a western movement that no one has any right to impose on on anyone else; it’s been pointed out elsewhere that Slutwalk is not a movement for every westerner to participate either (not that there is one particular way to do Slutwalk, as your organization have unfortunately shown). This is not a one size fits all deal, and you can’t arbitrarily make that decision for Tehran’s women- again I say, you are just reinforcing the problem.

Participants in Slutwalk did not protest because they were trying to be sexy. Asking for victim’s rights to not be blamed for being raped is not sexy, it’s just a request for a bit of human decency. Whether or not the other organizers choose to endorse you is on them. My bone to pick is with your continued perceived entitlement of our support.

Good intentions, and I will freely admit that I am skeptical that you and your project’s are in fact good, do not excuse you from criticism. The best intentioned plans, even within widely acclaimed movements can still cause a lot of hurt. I have had enough experience as a woman of color with well intentioned people with no concept of their privilege though they deigned to teach me about what my rights were.

I do not want to join your cause, and I have been clear about my reasons, so has Tiara for that matter. Expect no solidarity while you trample over other’s voices.

Where’s a privilege denying dude tumblr when you need one?

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