According to Dear Prudie: Ladies, stop letting yourself get raped.

Slate & Weekly’s Emily Yoffe is on hand to slut shame you about your date rape:

Q. Friend Has Revised One-Night Stand Story:A friend recently called me and said she had a one-night stand after drinking too much. She was beating herself up over drinking too much and going home with a guy she met at a bar. I reassured her that everyone makes mistakes and didn’t think much more of the account. However, since then, she has told many people that she was a victim of date-rape—that the guy must have put something into her drink . She spoke to a rape crisis line, and they said even if she was drunk, she couldn’t have given consent so she was a victim of rape. She now wants to press charges—she has the guy’s business card. I have seen her very intoxicated on previous occasions, to the point she doesn’t remember anything the next day. I’m not sure on what my response should be at this point. Pretend she never told me the original story?

A. Dear Prudie: Trying to ruin someone else’s life is a poor way to address one’s alcohol and self-control problems. Since her first version of the story is that she was ashamed of her behavior, and since you have seen her knee-walking drunk on other occasions, it sounds as if she wants to punish the guy at the bar for her own poor choices. Yes, I agree that men should not have sex with drunk women they don’t know. But I think cases like the one you are describing here—in the absence of any evidence she was drugged—where someone voluntarily goes home with a stranger in order to have a sexual encounter, makes it that much harder for women who are assaulted to bring charges. Talk to your friend. Tell her that she needs to think very long and hard about filing a criminal complaint against this guy if there’s any way her behavior could be construed to be consensual. Say you understand her shame, but you’re concerned about her drinking, and if she addresses that, she won’t find herself in such painful situations.

If you ever needed a classic example of ways rape culture is insidious, here you go. This has stopped being about the victim, who was date raped (and is dealing with the shame socialized in that situation) and become about how her actions in trying to get justice, trying to deal, confiding in her friend, become about the rapist. Suddenly, it’s the rapist’s reputation you have to think about, it’s their life that matters, their peace of mind. Add to that, the victim’s behavior is somehow a justifiable part of her possibly have being raped? As if her drinking is an automatic signal putting out “YES PLEASE RAPE ME!”.

Here’s the bottom line. No matter the situation, there is no justification or excuse for rape. A rape is a rape. There is no better or worse rape. There is rape. And it must be stopped or prosecuted when it happens. More than that, how about we teach DON’T RAPE instead of what this kind of advice puts out.

Slut shaming, victim blaming.

I see what you did there Prudie.




lock your car door, lock your legs and omg i hate this metaphor but let’s indulge (mostly copy/pasted off my tumblr)

anon asks:

we tell people to lock their cars so their cars don’t get stolen. why is this okay but not telling women to learn how to defend themselves?

becauseiamawoman responds:

Nobody is saying that women (and all people for that matter) shouldn’t be taught how to defend themselves. What people are saying that is people should be taught that rape is not acceptable and not to do it instead of preparing women who may be attacked.

A bit on rape culture:

If you leave your car unlocked, and your car gets stolen, the justice system will still acknowledge that as a crime.

If you drink/wear something considered ‘slutty’/know your rapist, and you are raped, the justice system will rip you apart.

The onus of “don’t get raped” has been placed on women (regardless of the fact that it’s more effective to teach “don’t rape”, regardless of the fact that it’s not only women who get raped).

That’s why I get annoyed at all these “tips” women are given on surviving. Even as I acknowledge that we live in the world of Schrodinger’s Rapist.

But really, this comparison of women getting raped because they didn’t prevent it and cars being left unlocked needs to stop.

signal boost: Let’s Talk About Rape via Rosewater Sailor

[Trigger Warning for discussion of rape, depression]

Today, someone asked me why I’m “always talking about rape.” Not because they genuinely wanted to know, but because they wanted to communicate to me that they thought it was strange, or that they didn’t like it…The response I received was this: “Maybe you should stay silent. Talking about it makes people uncomfortable. You don’t like it when people joke about it, right? So why would you want to encourage people to talk about it then?”


One can talk about rape without making a rape joke. I do it all the time, as a matter of fact. One can talk about the constant shaming of survivors and the victim-blaming attitudes that permeate every corner of our society. One can talk about the various online forums that are populated with people who don’t know if they’ve been raped because what happened to them doesn’t fit the “stranger in the alleyway” narrative we’ve all been taught since childhood. There are a million ways to discuss rape without minimizing the experiences of survivors or asking them to laugh in the face of their trauma.

read full post: I’m not asking. I’m demanding.

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