Why I Am A Sex-Positive Feminist, Now In Bullet Point Form

In random bullet points because it’s late and I’m sleepy but I had to write:

  • I hate the word prude. I hate it like fire.
  • I hate the word slut. I hate it like fire.
  • I am kinky. This is not a bad thing. I like knowing that.
  • Being sex-positive involves acknowledging that the way this society, and more than that feminism, deals with sex and sexuality just doesn’t work.
  • Sexuality =/= Sex
  • There is no one way to be sexy.
  • There is no one way to have (or not have) sex.
  • Consent. Fuck yeah!

And more reasons in this gorgeous post here at The Pervocracy.

Also sex-positive feminism has a long way to go, especially with race politics.

Okay, back to bed.

Dealing With My Deviance

I’m a woman. I’m black. I’m kinky.

Now while I’ve mostly dealt with my feelings on being a kinky woman, there’s a pretty damn significant part of my identity I’m still working to reconcile to everything else.

This is not a society that’s been kind to women, and certainly not women of color. Our sexuality is not our own, instead this is a world socialized with the idea that people of color’s sexuality does no’t belong to us, that women of color’s sexuality, my sexuality is for public consumption- everyone else gets to have a say about it but me. So when I right pro-sex posts celebrating the power of consent, the right to feel pleasure, to be kinky, sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m falling into that tired old stereotype of the hypersexual black woman.

But does the solution really lie in suppressing my desire? Should I “clean up my act” because heaven forfend there are white people in the room while I’m expressing my deviance?

Well, no (or at least I hope not) because that way only madness lies.

It certainly hasn’t done us any favors, being one of the reasons the mammy stereotype took such hold. Not to mention the fact that it split women of color up into opposing archetypes that were created to challenge each other.  There’s constant self-policing in our communities (anyone remember the Ciara ‘Love Sex Magic’ kerfuffle, or how about the more recent Rihanna S&M rumbling– though admittedly, hers is even more complicated than just a matter of race and kink); it is that horrible “there are white people in the room” mentality that keeps us repressed and heteronormative, keeping us compliant and ‘respectable’. Or at least that is what our own communities tell us, because I hope I do not have to tell you it is certainly not working for us. Mammy, Jezebel, and Sapphire are alive and thriving- to our detriment; our sexuality still falls at the intersection of race and gender.

I have to admit that I still hesitate before condemning that self-enforced silence. It was not born in a vacuum. The erasure of deviance (queerness, kink, anything that isn’t widely considered ‘acceptable’ or ‘respectable’)  in communities of color is an ugly scar; it is a reflection of a history of violence, slavery, and debasement. So I hesitate, I hesitate because I get it. I still live it. Though the question remains: can the solution really lie in suppressing my desire?

No- and more of us need to say this with conviction. Avoiding deviance to avoid oppression just reinforces the oppression. It has been said before, and again and again, as women we need to take back our right to pleasure, as women of color, more so. The discussion needs to start happening amongst ourselves- and not in the hushed whispers we are used to. Proudly and deviantly, let’s talk about sex, baby (and queerness, and kink, and all that’s been taboo)!

When I Get That Feeling

Liz Jones is at it again.

The truth is: [women] don’t really enjoy sex that much. And we definitely don’t want sex as often as men do. That is a cold, hard fact. And women most definitely, incontrovertibly, do not want sex once they have children — or so my friends who have children confess to me. Particularly once their stomachs develop a texture akin to cold porridge.

The only reason we do have sex is to get a man, keep a man, steal his sperm and flatter ourselves that we are attractive.

Once we have a man, his children, his name on a piece of paper, his youth and his house, we no longer want to indulge in that ridiculous, time-consuming, horizontal dance.

The decades of feminism, the millions of dishonest features in magazines like Cosmopolitan, have misled us. We are not equal to men when it comes to libido. We grow up. We have other priorities. Sex slips onto a backburner, sliding to the bottom of an almost endless list of things to do that day.

Oh, honey.

You know I can’t even be mad, I’m just really sorry for Ms. Jones.

Heterosexual women especially have a horrible history of not owning their pleasure, taking pride in their knowledge of themselves. We’ve been socialized into the virgin/whore dichotomy that screws us the wrong way every time. It is high time we take charge of our own sexuality and take pleasure in feeling pleasure (both in giving and taking).

I’m of the firm belief that no one sexual has to suffer through having bad sex, outside of a medical condition. If you’re having bad sex you have options, my dears:

1) Change your partner(s) .
2) If you’ve invested in your partner(s) and option 1 doesn’t feel like an option, I highly suggest providing some instructional lessons. If they (or you) aren’t willing to put in the time to learn, seriously consider option 1. Communication people, it’s alright to ask for what you want!
2b) Of course, option 2 is pretty much impossible if you don’t know what you like. At which point I highly suggest spending some quality time with yourself.

3) If all else fails, consider that you may just not be a sexual person, and if sex really isn’t something you have any interest in, tell your partner(s), talk about it.

Things not to do:

1) Lie about or hide your feelings on sex from your partner(s).
2) Blanket statement everyone else to fit your experience.
3) Shame others for wanting and enjoying sex.
4) Blame feminism.

#FeministFriday Week-End Linkspam

I’ve been reading:

All links archived at theramblingfeminist@delicious!

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