According to Dear Prudie: Ladies, stop letting yourself get raped.

Slate & WashingtonPost.com Weekly’s Emily Yoffe is on hand to slut shame you about your date rape:

Q. Friend Has Revised One-Night Stand Story:A friend recently called me and said she had a one-night stand after drinking too much. She was beating herself up over drinking too much and going home with a guy she met at a bar. I reassured her that everyone makes mistakes and didn’t think much more of the account. However, since then, she has told many people that she was a victim of date-rape—that the guy must have put something into her drink . She spoke to a rape crisis line, and they said even if she was drunk, she couldn’t have given consent so she was a victim of rape. She now wants to press charges—she has the guy’s business card. I have seen her very intoxicated on previous occasions, to the point she doesn’t remember anything the next day. I’m not sure on what my response should be at this point. Pretend she never told me the original story?

A. Dear Prudie: Trying to ruin someone else’s life is a poor way to address one’s alcohol and self-control problems. Since her first version of the story is that she was ashamed of her behavior, and since you have seen her knee-walking drunk on other occasions, it sounds as if she wants to punish the guy at the bar for her own poor choices. Yes, I agree that men should not have sex with drunk women they don’t know. But I think cases like the one you are describing here—in the absence of any evidence she was drugged—where someone voluntarily goes home with a stranger in order to have a sexual encounter, makes it that much harder for women who are assaulted to bring charges. Talk to your friend. Tell her that she needs to think very long and hard about filing a criminal complaint against this guy if there’s any way her behavior could be construed to be consensual. Say you understand her shame, but you’re concerned about her drinking, and if she addresses that, she won’t find herself in such painful situations.

If you ever needed a classic example of ways rape culture is insidious, here you go. This has stopped being about the victim, who was date raped (and is dealing with the shame socialized in that situation) and become about how her actions in trying to get justice, trying to deal, confiding in her friend, become about the rapist. Suddenly, it’s the rapist’s reputation you have to think about, it’s their life that matters, their peace of mind. Add to that, the victim’s behavior is somehow a justifiable part of her possibly have being raped? As if her drinking is an automatic signal putting out “YES PLEASE RAPE ME!”.

Here’s the bottom line. No matter the situation, there is no justification or excuse for rape. A rape is a rape. There is no better or worse rape. There is rape. And it must be stopped or prosecuted when it happens. More than that, how about we teach DON’T RAPE instead of what this kind of advice puts out.

Slut shaming, victim blaming.

I see what you did there Prudie.

 

 

On Will.I.Am’s Idiocy and Irresponsibility

via abortiongang:

Will.I.Am- producer, actor, singer, songwriter, Black Eyed Peas member, among other things- sat down with Andrew Goldman of Elle magazine and spoke about several random topics, thrown together by Goldman to create the portrait of a complex, philosophical, highly intriguing man that seems to be at the forefront of pop culture (He’s not really any of those things, but that’s the crux of Goldman’s article).

Naturally, because Will.I.Am is a rock star and rock stars are pegged as sexy sex-machines, the topic of sex does arise during the interview, and boy oh boy (should I say, “girl oh girl?”) does Will.I.Am really tell us women how it is.

“If she had condoms in her house, that would just fuckin’ throw me off. That’s just tacky.”

[…]

Remarking about condoms in a way other than, “wear a condom to protect yourself and your partner” is just plain irresponsible.

When I Get That Feeling

Liz Jones is at it again.

The truth is: [women] don’t really enjoy sex that much. And we definitely don’t want sex as often as men do. That is a cold, hard fact. And women most definitely, incontrovertibly, do not want sex once they have children — or so my friends who have children confess to me. Particularly once their stomachs develop a texture akin to cold porridge.

The only reason we do have sex is to get a man, keep a man, steal his sperm and flatter ourselves that we are attractive.

Once we have a man, his children, his name on a piece of paper, his youth and his house, we no longer want to indulge in that ridiculous, time-consuming, horizontal dance.

The decades of feminism, the millions of dishonest features in magazines like Cosmopolitan, have misled us. We are not equal to men when it comes to libido. We grow up. We have other priorities. Sex slips onto a backburner, sliding to the bottom of an almost endless list of things to do that day.

Oh, honey.

You know I can’t even be mad, I’m just really sorry for Ms. Jones.

Heterosexual women especially have a horrible history of not owning their pleasure, taking pride in their knowledge of themselves. We’ve been socialized into the virgin/whore dichotomy that screws us the wrong way every time. It is high time we take charge of our own sexuality and take pleasure in feeling pleasure (both in giving and taking).

I’m of the firm belief that no one sexual has to suffer through having bad sex, outside of a medical condition. If you’re having bad sex you have options, my dears:

1) Change your partner(s) .
2) If you’ve invested in your partner(s) and option 1 doesn’t feel like an option, I highly suggest providing some instructional lessons. If they (or you) aren’t willing to put in the time to learn, seriously consider option 1. Communication people, it’s alright to ask for what you want!
2b) Of course, option 2 is pretty much impossible if you don’t know what you like. At which point I highly suggest spending some quality time with yourself.

3) If all else fails, consider that you may just not be a sexual person, and if sex really isn’t something you have any interest in, tell your partner(s), talk about it.

Things not to do:

1) Lie about or hide your feelings on sex from your partner(s).
2) Blanket statement everyone else to fit your experience.
3) Shame others for wanting and enjoying sex.
4) Blame feminism.

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